Tears of a Clown

Now if there's a smile on my face

it's only there tryin' to fool the public

but when it comes down to foolin' you;

Now honey, that's quite a different subject

But don't let my glad expression

give you the wrong impression

Really I'm sad

I'm sadder than sad

You're gone and I'm hurtin' so bad

Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there's some sad things known to man

but ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown

when there's no one around

Now if I appear to be carefree

it's only to camouflage my sadness

In order to keep my pride I try

to cover the hurt with a show of gladness

But don't let my show convince you

that I've been happy since you decided to go

Oh, I need you so

I'm hurt and I want you to know

Now there's some sad things known to man

but ain't too much sadder than

the tears of a clown

when there's no one around

Just like Pagliacci did

I try to keep my sadness hid

Smiling in the public eye

But in my lonely room I cry

the tears of a clown

when there's no one around

Now if there's a smile on my face

Don't let my glad expression

Give you the wrong impression.

Don't let this smile I wear

Make you think that I don't care

Really I'm sad 

Hurtin' so bad...

_____________________________________

It is nights like this that I cannot sleep and all that I can think about is what I am about to lose. I tell myself it is bound to happen and I suppose soon it will. Once again I will be alone. But this time will be different cause if I fail this time, I am not gonna have the strength to do it again. I can't put my heart thru it again. It will surely kill me if losing this time doesn't. I told myself not to fall this time, because he would be the one person who could truly break my heart. And you know what? It just might.

 I try so hard to put on a brave face everyday. Joke things away and be as lighthearted as possible trying to bury all the pain that I feel deep within myself. But when the house grows quiet only the sounds of his snores fill the silence around me, the tears slowly start to fall and I can no longer hide all the pain that I feel on a day to day basis. All I want  is for it all to go away so that I don't feel this unending pain. 

I tell myself it was bound to happen, I have been happy in this relationship to long. It was time for everything to come crashing down around my ears. Like it has every other time that I have been happy. I was not put on this earth to be happy. I feel that sadness is all I was suppose to know. That is why every time in the past that I have been happy, I ended up losing everything and I feel soon it will happen again. All I can say is thank you god for being consistent. Wouldn't want to ruin your record of making my life unbearable. Where is the fun in that?

Don't get me wrong it is probably something that I did to make this happen. Can't really blame god for that. I tend to bring the worst out in people I have relationships with. Not only significant others but family and friends as well. Which is the reason I am on here, to say things I want to say because I have no one else to talk to about what i am feeling. I have chased everyone away.

I hope people will understand, since there has to be others who feel the way that I do. People who hide behind the mask of a clown to hide the tears that are falling behind it. Hopefully through my pain you will find the strength to make it through the trials you might have.