Such Is Life

I'll be the first to admit, that when left unattended, my mind will venture into forbidden territory. I generally catch myself before wandering too far, but there are times when the attraction to the uncharted adventure reels me in like Lewis and Clark.

There was a time in my life when I preferred predictable exploration. That is, having some element of risk, but having a good idea of the out come. But, I've come to find that there is more excitement in simply allowing things to follow an unscripted course. 

Relationships can be that way. There could always be some risk involved. We would all like to experience the exciting emotional rush of new love, knowing that there will be a fairy tale ending, and that everyone lives happily ever after. But, in reality, there is always the risk of the unknown. Even with the best planned journey, there are unknown factors that could, at any point along the way, cause a detour. 

Sometimes, we just have to throw caution to the wind and, like the NIKE slogan says, just go for it. The experience alone can greatly outweigh any risk of the adventure. I've found that new adventures can awaken you to a much different world. Sure, there is that element of the unknown, but we can enjoy the ride, and make necessary adjustment when needed

The Blame Game

          I was talking to a friend not long ago and it was the same thing I have heard a million times from her, "If it wasn't for so and so or such and such I would be happy".  And as she continued to rant and rave all I could think was.
        She is clueless! Completely and utterly clueless! She does something; it goes haywire and then she looks around for some scapegoat to blame it on! Just for being there! Well, tough luck Bozo... Your own mistakes were your own undoing! I couldn't have been more successful in ruining it if I tried!
      Did I say this out loud to her?  Of course not, I am just not that kind of person. What I did tell her though was that being angry and blaming everyone else because you're unhappy is not going to help matters and it is just wasted energy. The choices you have made have led you to this spot and it can't be blamed on anyone but yourself. Well needless to say she was not in the frame of mind to think reasonably but whatcha gonna do. *shrugs*
       I learned a long time ago that you can't rely on anyone else to pick you up and fix whatever it is that is wrong or troubling you. That is your responsibility.

   "All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." -Wayne Dyer

Change and Perception

Change sucks. It's uncomfortable, unwanted, and hard to deal with. Well, at least that's what most people tend to think. Right now, in this particular situation, I think I fit into that category, too. Normally, I think that change is good--necessary even. But, today, I say "Aaaah!"

How is it that one day everything looks one way and the next--BOOM! Everything seems so different? No explanation, no clear-cut reason, no real foundation, just a bunch of guesses, maybes, could-be's, and fictionalized reasons floating around in your head.

I don't know, maybe it's just one's perception of reality that changes. Maybe, things haven't really changed at all...maybe; the only thing that has really changed is your realization of how the situation is. Hmmm. That's a definite possibility. Perception: the way that one views life or a given situation. Therefore, I guess my reality isn't really your reality. It couldn't be, could it? Trippy concept.

Anyone ever have that experience? That feeling? You thought one thing for a given amount of time and then, suddenly, awake to a (perceived) different reality? How did you find out if you were right? How did you make sense of it all? I'm curious.

We All Need This

So many people talk shit about other people because they are so jealous and insecure with themselves. Everyone knows this. The part that I don't understand is how those horribly negative and depressing people have a way of dragging other people along with them, people who would otherwise be happy and accepting. Though, those people are obviously not very strong if they are so easily persuaded.

Too many people in this world are excessively manipulative. They need people to follow them, to be reassured of the path they are on, even though they know that its a ridiculous one. They are rude, unforgiving, judgmental. Mostly used to getting what they want.. all except happiness. I've lost many a friend because of people like this.

I will not pretend that I have never talked bad about people, or placed judgment upon people.. because truthfully, there have been times that I've been completely unhappy with myself and my life and I took it out on others. I realized that it was wrong, and I pulled myself out of it. I've also been a victim, way too many times.. and its an incredibly painful experience.

Far too few people take the time to figure out their true, inner self. For some, it comes easily, they figure it out early. For others, like myself, it takes time. A lot of time. I've been on my path to find my true being and purpose in life for a long time now. In some aspects I've been somewhat successful, though I've regrettably hurt a few people on the way, it was what I needed to do for myself. I am nowhere near complete success, it seems that it will be hard to ever, truly be there, since the world and people are constantly changing, our wants and needs constantly shifting, how are we supposed to stick to one particular path when there are so many we can take during our virtually transient lives?

I believe that if more people actually thought about, and put effort into 'finding themselves' and doing something more positive, then this world could be a much better place. I'm not very fond of those who give the impression that they are truly about peace, happiness, giving, etc. when really, its only for aesthetic reasons. You have to believe it to live it. Anger and resentment will not get you anywhere.

I challenge you to sit down on this day before Thanksgiving and think about what you truly want. Set out on a path to find your true being. Believe me, every small step gives you an immense sense of self worth. Come to terms with your negativity and reverse it. exert your positivity to the world and be the one to make it better for others.


We all need this.

Tears of a Clown

Now if there's a smile on my face

it's only there tryin' to fool the public

but when it comes down to foolin' you;

Now honey, that's quite a different subject

But don't let my glad expression

give you the wrong impression

Really I'm sad

I'm sadder than sad

You're gone and I'm hurtin' so bad

Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there's some sad things known to man

but ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown

when there's no one around

Now if I appear to be carefree

it's only to camouflage my sadness

In order to keep my pride I try

to cover the hurt with a show of gladness

But don't let my show convince you

that I've been happy since you decided to go

Oh, I need you so

I'm hurt and I want you to know

Now there's some sad things known to man

but ain't too much sadder than

the tears of a clown

when there's no one around

Just like Pagliacci did

I try to keep my sadness hid

Smiling in the public eye

But in my lonely room I cry

the tears of a clown

when there's no one around

Now if there's a smile on my face

Don't let my glad expression

Give you the wrong impression.

Don't let this smile I wear

Make you think that I don't care

Really I'm sad 

Hurtin' so bad...

_____________________________________

It is nights like this that I cannot sleep and all that I can think about is what I am about to lose. I tell myself it is bound to happen and I suppose soon it will. Once again I will be alone. But this time will be different cause if I fail this time, I am not gonna have the strength to do it again. I can't put my heart thru it again. It will surely kill me if losing this time doesn't. I told myself not to fall this time, because he would be the one person who could truly break my heart. And you know what? It just might.

 I try so hard to put on a brave face everyday. Joke things away and be as lighthearted as possible trying to bury all the pain that I feel deep within myself. But when the house grows quiet only the sounds of his snores fill the silence around me, the tears slowly start to fall and I can no longer hide all the pain that I feel on a day to day basis. All I want  is for it all to go away so that I don't feel this unending pain. 

I tell myself it was bound to happen, I have been happy in this relationship to long. It was time for everything to come crashing down around my ears. Like it has every other time that I have been happy. I was not put on this earth to be happy. I feel that sadness is all I was suppose to know. That is why every time in the past that I have been happy, I ended up losing everything and I feel soon it will happen again. All I can say is thank you god for being consistent. Wouldn't want to ruin your record of making my life unbearable. Where is the fun in that?

Don't get me wrong it is probably something that I did to make this happen. Can't really blame god for that. I tend to bring the worst out in people I have relationships with. Not only significant others but family and friends as well. Which is the reason I am on here, to say things I want to say because I have no one else to talk to about what i am feeling. I have chased everyone away.

I hope people will understand, since there has to be others who feel the way that I do. People who hide behind the mask of a clown to hide the tears that are falling behind it. Hopefully through my pain you will find the strength to make it through the trials you might have.